Awkward Encounters

Today has just been full of these awkward encounters. I have had so many deep, meaningful, and dreadful conversations with people that have ended surprisingly well considering how much I was freaking out about them to begin with. Let's list them shall we?

1. Awkward encounter this morning with a boy (that's all you need to know). We'll call him Justin.
2. Awkward encounter with God (about Justin). Conviction, repentance. All good things, I was just dreading it before it happened.
3. Awkward encounter with ex-boyfriend's current fiance (we're going to focus on this one throughout the blog post, so stay tuned!)
4. Awkward encounter with ex-boyfriend
5. Awkward encounter with my roommate who I have been dreading spilling my guts to about some things for the past few days, which I did tonight
6. Awkward encounter (again) with Justin about our awkward encounter this morning.

Is it just me, or is the phrase "awkward encounter" beginning to sound... weird?

So, I've had many awkward encounters in my life (I'm a pretty awkward person when I want to be), but today there wasn't just a normal awkward moment in my life. You see, I had this boyfriend who was going to propose to me, then things went sour. We didn't speak for almost a year and then rekindled our friendship. Then things got sour again and we didn't talk for a while... again. Then we started talking... again. And then he started dating this other girl. Needless to say, me being a girl, I got all emotional (rollercoasterrrr). Not because I still had feelings for this boy, but because I was still so hurt by the things that had happened in our relationship and he had just started dating one of our mutual, good friends from high school.

I think it's pretty plain to see that when this sort of thing happens, you just stop talking to that person. Yep. That's what happened (for the most part). We would still talk occasionally, but I needed separation, I needed space, and most importantly I needed time to heal. Things had happened in our relationship that really did some damage and I needed time to repair. So, I spent some time in my own little repair shop and let the Lord work on me.

This summer, I was supposed to go on a missions trip to Maryland, but I felt that God was calling me home to heal, go to counseling, and really seek Him in a different way. I think God knows I'm going to grow more here than I ever could in Maryland. He's got it all planned out. And I saw the beginning of God's plan unravel in front of my eyes today. You see, my ex-boyfriend's fiance is going to be volunteering as a leader at the same church youth group as I am this summer. Which means, we're going to be spending a good chunk of our time working together, planning together, praying together, leading together, teaching together, going on trips together, and walking with Christ together over the next 3 months.

We had our first meeting today for leadership. I had convinced myself that this meeting wasn't going to awkward and I wasn't going to make a big deal about it. I wasn't mad at her after all, so what is there to be weird about? There are no hard feelings towards her, so it shouldn't be a problem. Right? Wrong. As much as I didn't want there to be tension, there was. And as much as I didn't want it to be awkward, boy was it ever! After sitting on the same sofa as her without saying a single word to each other, it was time to go and we all stood up and went outside to our cars. My ex-boyfriend's fiance walked alone to her car while 2 of the other leaders and I proceeded to our cars at the other end of the lot. I decided that I didn't want her to think that I hated her, so I shouted out a friendly, "I hope you have a great day!" to her before she got in her car (for all intensive purposes, I'm going to name this girl Anna in order to make this sound as smoothly as possible and keep her identity a secret). As I continued talking with these other 2 leaders, Anna walks over to us and asks if her and I could go to Starbucks and talk. I agreed because I knew we needed to get this awkwardness out of our system in order to serve this church in the best way that we possibly could.

So, we left and went to Starbucks (and we didn't get anything to drink because neither of us were thirsty, just FYI). Anna and I talked for a good hour and a half before the awkward silences became too frequent for our liking. It was a good conversation and I think it really helped us get to where we need to be (for now). This means that I'm going to have to do a lot of healing, really quick. But the good thing about it is that God has this all orchestrated out perfectly. I think He knew this is the only way that I was going to be able to get over the hurt that I still carry around in my heart from that past relationship. Over the summer, I'm really excited to get to know Anna again and to walk alongside her this summer as sisters in Christ. That's what really matters after all. We're both adults running after God's own heart. That's what makes this friendship possible.

I thought it would be impossible for me to ever be friends with Anna or my ex-boyfriend again. I just didn't think that my heart could take it. There were no hard feelings towards them because I have forgiven my ex-boyfriend and there is no reason to be angry with Anna, but my heart has just been too scarred. And I've let it be that scarred for too long. I think God has big plans this summer. I think these plans have to do with these scars I carry around. I think God has brought Anna back into my life to bring some healing. She's already offered to let me talk to her about problems I might still have (weird, right? It almost brought me to tears when she offered to listen to me talk about how her current fiance has hurt me beyond words in the past). That takes true courage and a true friend to simply say, "If you need to talk about anything about that, just let me know... because I don't like seeing you hurt." I thought it was impossible for something like that to happen in real life.

That conversation today was so much more than I could ever explain in a blog post, which is why I didn't go into any detail. We talked about life, Christ, relationships, our friendship, and this summer. We talked about so much in so little time and I think even that brought some healing. Impossible right? Maybe not to you, but to me it seems like it should be. There's God for you. Always preparing our hearts for what is coming. I just goes to show how he has every tiny detail completely planned out and in control. I don't see why I still think there is such a thing as impossible when God proves me wrong so many times. God's starting this summer with a bang.

It's kind of fun.

Fun House

So, every year, Ball State Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ) goes to Indy for a huge conference with all of the Cru's from the midwest. One night during this week of amazing growth in the Lord, we go to this house called the fun house. It is exclusive to Ball State and we pretty much just go to this amazing house of this youth leader and beat each other up playing some super fun games. Well, a few girls that I am closest with and I decided to have a girls night at this house and stay the night there.

My roommate and I had decided to write a lesson for the girls that night about confessing our sins to one another. The body of the lesson discussed why it is so important and beneficial to share our sins with one another as sisters in Christ. After discussing this, we all had some alone time with the Lord to confess our sins to Him and reflect on what we had previously discussed. When we came back together about 20 minutes later, we gave all of the girls a chance to share about their reflection time if they felt comfortable. This is when the impossible comes into the story. I have been dealing with one particular sin that I have been so ashamed of since third grade before I even knew it was a bad thing. I had decided during my alone time with the Lord that I would share this sin, but privately with only one other girl, but then my roommate confessed the same sin to all of us as soon as we regathered. Then, as it turns out, every single girl (okay, except for one) has been struggling with this same sin that ALL of us were too ashamed to share. I have never felt closer to these girls before and it seemed absolutely impossible to me that anyone else would have struggled the same ways that I have with this sin, but our stories of it were all the same. We are all equal sinners and all became undeniably closer because of this experience.

Impossible. Period.  I never ever ever thought I would be able to be free from this sin because of my inability to find girls to keep me accountable and to walk beside me. I now have 6. God made the impossible possible AGAIN.

It was kind of fun.